Andrew had become this person of strong character, stubbornness, prowess, bravery, courage, narcissistic to a certain degree and wild to a point that he didn’t care that he had wore upon him this coat of sociopathic behavior, in which he conquered his lovers for his own personal gain just to feel good about himself.
He was on a warpath of finding lovers to dominate in their beds and never took into account their feelings and thoughts on what was to come after they had performed the act of love. Andrew sought love, a deep emotional connection with someone but he was afraid to be vulnerable to another outside his social circle. He said it was because whenever he tried to express his emotions to his family, he was always brushed off and told that he should forget what he was going through. So instead of dealing with his feelings he buried them deep inside his body of which was yet to cause an eruption of disaster in the near future that now has finally happened. So he’d find his prey, online or through mutual friends and if his prey did not fit a specific appearance, status or looked like an idol too him of which he would like to become then he was not interested.
I felt bad for Andrew. Andrew was this attractive individual who had many talents. He was a dear friend, it was as if we were born to meet each other and console each other during whatever there was that caused distress. I tried my best to be a good friend to him. Comforted him, made him feel grand like a god. He’d always tell me that he was this person that felt as if he was born in the wrong generation, the wrong time. He craved peace but his body was fighting his mind in that the body wanted whatever it wanted but mentally he wasn’t mature enough to deal with whatever was done. His lovers chased him, they craved him, worshipped him, wanted to be like him but he just couldn’t find the means to open his heart to the point of actually experiencing the part of life of which they call real love.
All this transpired in a space of a year and unfortunately Andrew had taken recreational means to cope with his feelings of sadness, anxiety and depression. His family had found out that he was consuming medication, antidepressants, to help calm himself down. When they had found this out by one stupid mistake that Andrew had left one tablet next to his bed that he had forgotten to take in the morning, they shunned him, frowned at him, shook their heads in disappointment and assumed that because he was taking antidepressants he could be taking other hard drugs which was not true. A family meeting transpired and I was there to give Andrew the support he needed and eventually the truth was said that he could no longer stay in a place he called home. On this day his heart shattered, his life was turned upside down, Andrew thought that the best way out of this was definitely suicide (thankfully he didn’t commit). He sought out his lovers for a distraction, to take his mind off the mess he had caused for himself but they were no where to be found and that wasn’t surprising because Andrew too was emotionally no where to be seen when they needed him most. He loved them so good they couldn’t help but say they loved him.
I sit quiet on the sidelines now, watching Andrew move like a zombie. He lost his character, his courage, his bravery, his prowess and became this person of being apologetic for even just breathing. I tried to aid him during his sad time but he felt that this was his punishment and that it was better off if he had not been born. Andrew had dreams and hopes of being a success in whatever avenue he desired as he had the ability to learn anything fast and found interest in it for a short period of time, honestly he lacked discipline, but still he was talented. I know that Andrew is just lost in his mind, I know that Andrew will come around, I know that when Andrew eventually finds himself again better and stronger than who he was in the beginning before the turmoil had arisen he will become this idol he sought, this role model he needed, and hopefully his lover yet to come of whom I hope to meet will realize that they are in the presence of a young god.
God bless you Andrew.
Andrew (23) didn’t know what was burning up inside him until he met his first lover(29). Andrew was a confused young man unable to make sense of what his emotions and feelings were trying to tell him. His ability to live under his facade was considered a true talent of acting. But he wasn’t any different than anyone else that may have experienced these type of burning desires. So he sought out to understand, learn and experiment with these nagging burning desires that had somewhat led him into an animalistic behavior of seeking out his sexual prey.
He met his lover. His lover was everything that Andrew wanted to be and become. Yes his attraction at first was more physical than emotional due to the fear of vulnerability. His lover taught him that he was theirs for the moment. That way the moments shared between them was worth every second spent. Andrew had accepted this type of love and even though he wasn’t able to experience the high everyday but rather three times a month, he savored every second spent. A few months down the line Andrew and his lover had realized that their feelings towards each other had developed into something they were trying to avoid and unfortunately couldn’t place a label on. Andrew was scared of his secret being found out by his family and his lover’s family wouldn’t approve of their love towards each other due to preexisting phobia of what they were brought up to fear. Imagine Andrew and his lover doing things their parents didn’t know and would not approve of. That type of love was hot, forbidden and frowned upon. Sin is easy to commit and the taste of it is delicious, no human can deny that they haven’t fallen victim to their desires. Andrew and. His lover had continued to see each other for 10 months until the time had come to cut ties and burn bridges between them.
Andrew has decided that he couldn’t be with someone he couldn’t love fully and he committed too on a long term basis. His lover understood this and even though there was hesitation in the beginning to not end things there was no other for the options laid out for them didn’t appeal to either of them. Andrew and his lover had decided that it was time to say goodbye. All the memories they had shared will never be forgotten, all good times and the hours of feeling heaven would never escape Andrews mind but rather these memories had evolved him into a person seeking out love in its entirety. Through the pain, joy, happiness, laughter, hurt, fights and arguments Andrew remained optimistic to the fact that he would find someone just like his first love who would be able to love him the way he is all flaws and imperfections involved.
I know that Andrew is going to be fine. He’s been through an emotional time, his first love will never leave him emotionally and psychologically, locked away in his memory. Cherished for the rest of his time on earth. Andrew hopes that during his time on earth he may bump into his first love unexpectedly, unplanned, organically somewhere they’d never expect to see each other and they reconnect…to reestablish their friendship again…who knows what the future holds.